He smiles, it's like the radio...

It's been two months since Cory's passing and it, at the same time, feels like yesterday and forever. It still shocks me how I can miss someone I never knew so much. My parents and sister probably think I'm a complete loon for having mourned the way I have for the past couple of months, but they've all been so patient and sweet with me. At times I've felt absolutely insane for feeling so much about this man who I only knew through a television, but it's not just about the man. It's about what that man stood for, the passion which with he lived life and the amazing people I have in my life now because of him.

I have a lovely group of friends, who are also fans of Cory, and we've been leaning on one another; telling stories, sharing pictures. A couple of days after he passed I felt the overwhelming need for something, anything that would allow us to keep apart of him here with us forever. Yes, we will always have Glee; countless youtube videos and dvds, thousands of pictures and endless memories, but I needed something concrete. Something I could look at on a daily basis and remind myself of the strength and passion and love for life that Cory possessed. With my wonderful group of friends, we all chipped in and had a star officially named Finn Hudson in Cory's memory. Buying that star, receiving the certificate, sending it off to nine ladies with beautiful hearts, and sending off a copy with a donation check to Project Limelight Society - an organization Cory put his heart into - was one of the proudest, most cathartic moments of my life.

I've been watching interviews in which a lot of his castmates have talked, albeit, briefly about him and they all have basically said the same thing: It's tragic, he's forever missed. But Cory loved life and he'd want us all to carry on and do the same. 

"The show's gotta go all over the place."

There's really no point of this blog other to commemorate the 2 month anniversary of the day the world grew a little dim but the heavens beamed with a bright new light. I think of Cory every time I hear thunder, whenever I look up at the stars, or place my hand over my heart and feel the star pendant on my necklace. I pray for him every night, knowing he's perfect and happy and whole, and knowing he's the most kickass guardian angel Lea could ever want. On that note, I leave you with this beautiful picture of Cory that captures him at, what I think is, his absolute best - loving life.

Cory

It's been a little over a month since Cory passed, and almost a month exactly since I revisted this blog to try to get some words out and make sense of all of it. It hasn't been easy. It amazes me that we can miss someone so much that we didn't know personally. But we did. We knew Cory. And for a while I felt selfish and silly saying that. Claiming my sadness and grief as real felt like it was undermining the unfathomable pain his family, friends and his love must be feeling.

But then Lea gave her speech at the Teen Choice Awards on Sunday.

And she got it. This woman who knew Cory better than anyone in the world; who held his hand and shared his inside jokes and knew his struggles - she understood that we're all grieving. She saw the light and love that Cory shared with all of us, the way that he reached out and became apart of all of us; barging clumsily into our hearts with his handsome smile, talented voice and incredible, silly personality. And I stopped feeling guilty and started feeling grateful. Grateful that she has the strength and grace and heart to share his loss with us, grateful that we were lucky enough to know him, even if it wasn't nearly long enough.

It might be a terrible thing to say, but I don't think Cory was ours to hold on to for long. He was meant to be so much more than his earthly being could contain. I have to believe that the Lord knew Cory was done suffering and fighting himself and that he was meant to be a star in every true sense of the word. I still hate that he's gone. I hate it. It puts a knot in my stomach I miss him so much sometimes. But, as Finn Hudson once said, 'The show's gotta go all over the place'. I firmly believe he's still with us. For many of us, he exists in the stars. In his songs. In the tiny, every day things that remind us of him. We get to keep him in our hearts forever and always remember him beautiful and healthy and happy.

I wanted to end this by saying that days later, I am still amazed and in awe of Lea's strength and grace. She is the epitome of class and elegance. And she's absolutely right. With all our love - for Cory, for her, for each other - we're going to get through this.

The Show's Gotta Go All Over the Place

Okay, I've been putting this off because I honestly just didn't know what to say about Cory's passing on Saturday. I mean, those of you that follow me on twitter are probably like, "Didn't know what to say?! You've tweeted about nothing else for three days." Valid point. But I didn't know what to say. And to be honest, I'm not positive I do yet. But I'm going to try.

Those that know me know of my absolute love and adoration for Cory. He FELT like a friend and I honestly don't know that I could miss him anymore than I already do if he'd been someone I actually knew. So when I woke up Sunday morning to multiple texts from friends, asking if I was okay and if I'd heard the news, I was devastated. I'm pretty sure the whole world was devastated. And now, three days later, there still seems to be no understanding of how something like this happens. How someone as beautiful and goofy and kind and talented as Cory is just...gone. I can't wrap my head around it. I've cried - a lot. And I've prayed a lot. And I've asked myself and others and God 'why' a lot. And no one really has the answer because there isn't one. But in talking to friends, this is what I've come up with.

I hate, hate, hate that he is gone. And I hate how he was taken. But maybe God knew the struggle was just too much for him to fight anymore. That it was time for him  to leave his burdens and struggles at the summit and be fully revived and made perfect and whole in the spirit. I'm not going to lie or sugarcoat it - it sucks for us - it's unfathomably sad for his friends, his family, for Lea - his best friend and love. It's nothing short of a tragedy and it's not something people are going to just get over. We're always going to miss him. But grief is a selfish emotion - that we're 100% entitled to feeling. But Cory is healthy and happy and at peace. It's hard for us here, those that loved him that are left behind to find that all-encompassing peace in this life, especially at this time when it's so hard to understand. But we're not meant to understand it. We're only meant to love and remember and honor him until we meet again.

I've seen what a hold addiction can have on people. I've seen it take the lives of family members. But the thing about Cory is, he didn't hide behind it. He didn't use it as a crutch or an excuse. He was open and honest about his struggle - he wanted to beat it. He was not content to just let it consume him. He struggled, and, if I had to assume, he lost to it, but he fought to beat it until he just couldn't fight anymore. And for all of his struggles and tribulations and maybe even short comings, I respect the hell out of him for his endless fight and strength and courage.

I miss him so much it hurts and I still don't understand how we'll never hear him sing again, see him smile. But I take comfort in knowing that he doesn't have to fight anymore. He's not struggling.

Anyways. I just needed to share with those of you that might be reading this that in spite of all of the pain and tragedy and devastation, there's a silver lining. It's small to us, and it sucks, but it's what we have. And we've got to go on living life fully for him and because of him. He fought and so should we.


My prayers and condolences and best thoughts go out to Cory's loved ones. His friends, family and parents. And sweet Lea. I pray they find some peace and healing.

You'll be missed forever, sweet Cory. You're always in our hearts and your star shines brighter now than ever before. #CAMM 

xoxo

Kristen

30 Day Challenge

It's been a while since I've blogged about...well, anything. And even longer since I've done any kind of 'challenge' that didn't involve my iPhone and instagram, but I found this list on pinterest and thought it sounded fun so I figured I'd give it a shot and see if I can keep up with it! I don't have internet access everyday ( I don't know how I live without it, either, but I manage) so it'll probably be like a 64 day challenge, or something, but it'll be fun nonetheless!

Here's the list if anyone wants to play along! Instead of creating a different post every time I update, I'm just going to add my answers here under the corresponding prompt!

THE LIST:

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

- I'm left handed.

- I'm an only child.

- I played the clarinet in middle and high school.
- My favorite food is pasta; spaghetti to be specific.
- I love to bake cupcakes.
- I'm something of a tv nerd and get way too invested in the lives of fictional characters.
- I own every Sarah Dessen and Emily Giffin book.
- I'm in love with North Carolina.
- John Krasinski tweeted me once and my life will never be the same.
- I would rather be barefoot all the time.
- I am immediately drawn to anything antique or kitschy.

- I am very much addicted to concerts and live music.
- I was in a movie when I was 18.
- I love to sing and used to entertain the masses (aka - my stuffed animals) with my talents.
- I have an addiction to Smashbooks.
- Mark Schwahn told James Lafferty I was awesome and my life was made.
- I got a navel piercing when I was 18.
- I always wanted an older brother.
- I fell out of a tree the day before my eighth birthday.
- I wanted to be a football coach when I was younger.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
- Fear of Flying/Public Transportation
      - I've actually 'conquered' this fear this past December when I flew with the youth group   I work with to Denver, CO, but it's still something I get quite anxious over. We're flying to NY on Sunday which I'm starting to stress over a bit, but I think my biggest worry right now is the subways. I don't like being in a setting that I can't get out of/that I have no control over.
- Frogs
     - I don't know what constitutes as a legitimate fear, but frogs are legitimately scary to me. I think it ties into the control thing; I can predict when they're going to move and they're just so. damn. gross. Ugh. When I visit my parents in the evening, my dad always meets me out at the car with a flashlight so that I can avoid any and all run-ins with frogs.
- Never being a mom
    - I am never, nor have I ever been, the person to have regrets. I take every mistake or wrong turn in life as a lesson learned. But I know with 100% certainty, if I never get the opportunity to be a mom (and a wife, but mostly a mom) that will be my one regret in life. It's one of the few things in life I positively know I was born to be.

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

    This one is pretty easy for me. I have a fantastic relationship with my parents - I always have. I'm blessed in countless ways I can't begin to describe.

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could. 6-25

     - You will get over him. Honestly, you will.
     - Never, ever apologize for wanting or loving something.
     - It's okay to fail and to fall short.
     - That confused feeling of longing and wanting to help when you see the Special Ed kids   getting picked on: it's for a reason. Your heart will lead you to it when it's ready.
     - You FINALLY get on an airplane.
     - You really can be just friends.
     - 25 is not that old.
     - College is stressful and overwhelming and hard: but you make it through.
     - ENJOY IT
     -  You're going to make so many amazing friends in ways you'll never, ever expect
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
    
      - A fresh start
      - My sister moving to Texas in 3 - THREE!!! - days
      - Baking/ i before e plans
      - Kinetic Kids
      - My new job opportunity

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
     - I've been blessed in my life to have God show me which paths to take when He was ready for me to find them. And, while during the in between I felt like I was drowning, I never really felt lost or struggled for long. I'm blessed to still have both of my parents, and both sets of grandparents. My parents are still together and I still see them at least once a week. So, I guess, Natalie, my best friend from grade school, passing away was the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that she's gone. She just never woke up. And although it's been at least a decade since we've seen one another or spoken, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and miss her.
7. What is your dream job, and why?
    - Anyone that knows me knows that my passion has a major case of A.D.D. I love and feel inspired by and about so many things. My dream life would include being a contracted, licensed behavioralist, working in homes with young children with autism. And owning at least one i before e cupcake cafe with my sister.

8. What are 5 passions you have?
    - Special Needs
       There is nothing as rewarding to me as working with children - especially young, early childhood children - with special needs. Being able to see their faces, work with them and help them learn to do things that those with typically developing abilities take for granted is just the greatest joy.
    - Baking
       I cannot wait to own a cafe with my sister. It's going to happen, I know it.
    - Youth Ministry
       When I first got my part time job as a youth ministry assistant, I won't lie, I was a wreck. I have always worked with the 5 and under population; that's my forte, that's what I'm naturally good at. So working with middle school and high schoolers? It scared the crap out of me. But almost a year later, I have been blessed and inspired by these kids and this job in ways I never could've imagined.
    - Music
    I. Love. Music.
   - Babies
   I cannot wait to be a mommy.

9. List people who have influenced you.
    - Bethany Joy Lenz
    - Michelle Obama
    - Adrienne Gaither
    - John Krasinski
    - Mom
    - Dad
   
10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
   
     - I'm never good at answering this question because I honestly can't think of anything that's embarrassed me the most; I usually just laugh off embarrassment because, hey, what else can you do?!

11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

    - Being interrupted.
    - Being talked down to/treated like a child.
    - Seeing people who don't deserve things get away with doing less.
    - Adults who don't discipline/raise children to behave and be polite.
    - Adults who don't let kids be kids.
    - People with no respect for the opinions/beliefs of others.
    - People that treat others of different race/religion/sexual preference and mental capabilities as less.
    - People who don't follow the rules of the road while driving.
    - Being lied to and/or taken advantage of.
    - Having to repeat myself.

12. Describe a typical day in your current life. 7-3
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have. 7-4
14. Describe 5 strengths you have. 7-5
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why? 7-6
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments? 7-7
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at? 7-8
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive? 7-9
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why? 7-10
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood. 7-11
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first? 7-12
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.